At the beginning of this year, the first thing we did for our vegetable garden was prepare the ground. We dug up the lawn, then dug trenches in the soil, which we filled with horse manure and tufts of grass to increase the soil's nutritional content.
Although some of the soil was soft, other areas were rocky, so what took the most time was digging up the large stones. Then I raked over the surface to even it out and remove any other rocks or clumps of grass that would block seeds from growing.
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| Weeds and rocks |
My own inner life has had a season of digging up and preparation. When I was in middle school, I developed a harmful habit. Guilt ate away at me for what I was doing, but I could not control it. One afternoon, I realised the state I was in, knelt on the ground and asked God to heal me.
In the days and months that followed, God dug up my inner soil and did something new in me, feeding me with nutrients and removing large stones so that I might become more fully alive. God replaced the harmful habit with a desire to grow in a deeper relationship with him.
Another word for this is repentance, turning away from oneself and turning towards God.
The Bible is filled with stories of people repenting, but one from the Gospel of Luke comes to mind. After teaching the crowds, Jesus tells Simon to 'Put out into deep water, and let down the nets for a catch.' Simon is doubtful at first, but he does so anyway and they catch such a large number of fish that they need other fishermen's help in lugging the net back to shore.
Faced with this miracle, Simon realises that he is in the presence of the holy Lord. At the same time, he sees his own sinfulness, and falls at Jesus' knees in response.
Simon opens his heart for Christ to remove the weeds and rocks from within him, and to begin a new work in him.
This work in Simon would be ongoing. Simon -- later named Peter -- would often repent of his wrong attitudes and learn more about who Christ was calling him to become.
God is still at work in me, too. Whenever I set out to look, I continue finding weeds, rocks and other junk that need removing.
Thus, repenting is not something I do once in my life. I want to make it a daily act of maintenance for my soul so that Christ may grow in me.
In his book Meditations on a Theme, Metropolitan Anthony Bloom writes that this recognition of our sins, 'the ugliness of our souls,' is actually a cause for joy because it means that we are now strong enough to not be broken by such a vision: 'it means, indeed, that we sadly discover our own ugliness, but also that we can rejoice at the same time, because God has granted us his trust. He has entrusted to us a new knowledge of ourselves as we are, as he always saw us and as, at times, he did not allow us to see ourselves because we could not bear the sight of truth.'
Since God has allowed us to discover such weeds and stones, he goes on to say, we now have the opportunity to act.
Prayer of St Ephrem:
O Lord and Master of my life,
give me not the spirit of sloth,
idle curiosity/meddling,
lust for power and idle talk.
But grant unto me, Thy servant,
a spirit of chastity/integrity,
humility, patience and love.
Yea, O Lord and King,
grant me to see mine own faults
and not to condemn my brother.
For blessed art Thou unto the ages of ages.
Amen.
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